Don't Piss Down My Leg and Then Tell Me Its Raining. -Judge Judy
Yes, we are an advanced civilization, how else would Pro Wrestling have evolved?
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
I want to talk to the organ grinder not the monkey.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Still fighting mental health!
What's the difference between your office and a Cactus. The Cactus has the pricks on the outside.
Daddy, do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time? No darling some being with, if elected.
I'll try to be Nicer if you try to be Smarter.
I can only be nice to one person today! Today is not your day Tomorrow doesn't look good either
Go forth an multiply
Your Kindness is matched only by your impeccable taste in Friends.
There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with 'or die.' - Alistair J.R. Young
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
The great thing about your performance is how much room for growth you have. -Dogbert
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sun shine is like, night.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
It may be your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be having an orgasm!
Ban Abortion, Eat Your Young Instead!
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I brake for no apparent reason.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
A smile is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it in one spot.
Technology is dominated by two types of people:
those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.
[He] couldn't get a clue if he stripped naked, rubbed himself with clue musk, went to the middle of the clue breeding grounds at the height of clue breeding season when it was full of horny clues and did the clue mating dance for days.
In my organization, if you're not part of the problem, you're working without supervision.
In the interest of bettering my career, my Boss offered the following analysis, "It is sad to say, but in today's corporate world, you can be incompetent, and you can be stupid, but you can't be negative.
No, no, a thousand times no
I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a watergun and shoot other people in the eyes.
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never eat yellow snow.
Never pet a burning dog.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken.
Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school -- you'll be working for them in the future.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. -Woody Allen
Trust me, what could possibly go wrong?
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a shit.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ah, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
22. You sound reasonable......time to up my medication.
23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
26. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
I channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are not my fault.
I no longer punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
My intuition makes up for my lack of good judgment.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I have no personality at all.
I need not suffer in silence while I can moan, whimper and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they remind me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
*The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to make someone to buy me nice things.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 60th birthday.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with fear.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
False hope is better than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is as welcome as a solution to the problem.
Today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a moment... I'll find someone.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
To have a successful relationship I learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
1. A few clowns short of a circus.
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
3. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
4. A few beers short of a six-pack.
5. Dumber than a box of hair.
6. A few peas short of a casserole.
7. Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box.
8. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
9. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
10. One taco short of a combination plate.
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
12. All foam, no beer.
13. The cheese slid off his cracker.
14. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
15. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
18. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
20. As smart as bait.
21. Chimney's clogged.
22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
26. Her sewing machine's out of thread.
27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
29. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
31. No grain in the silo.
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
33. Receiver is off the hook.
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
35. Skylight leaks a little.
36. Slinky's kinked.
37. Surfing in Nebraska.
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
39. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.
1. You - Off my planet
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your crybaby whiney-tailed opinion would be...?
6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep
13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
16. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
19. Chaos, panic, and disorder--my work here is done.
20. Earth is full. Go home.
21. Is it time for your medication or mine?
22. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
23. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.