When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhoea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhoea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . Please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference.

My friends all ask me how I like retirement and what I do to occupy all my free time now. Well, for example, the last month I went into Saratoga and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. (New generation of police officer.) I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So, I called him a shithead and reminded him he worked for me. (Freedom of speech and expression.) He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket and asked him "whats the matter, is your best friend banging your wife?". This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

An 80-year-old man says to his doctor,

"I've never felt better!
Life is great and I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question For a minute, then begins:
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season.
One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his rifle.
When he got to the creek, he saw a Prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water.
He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.

Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

"What do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point, exactly".

Christmas at Rock-Away Retirement Home
Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
and all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.

The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting ou r candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?";

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
( But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social- security checks had arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
fore long you'll be with us, We wish you the best